Today was Caitlin’s birthday; she’s seven years old, and really quite the little girl. She is wrapping up her first soccer season, she really enjoyed herself, and it appears she has decided to play again next year. And beyond soccer, she has stated interest in playing baseball, and starting karate at some point. She will be one busy little girl, and I am proud of her for having an interest and happy to see her open up to new social experiences and challenges that come with sports and making new friends.
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On a more personal note, I feel like I am losing my mind, I am struggling internally for some sort of balance. I will be starting a full time job within the next week, I am taking night classes at Portland State University, and I am worried about not only my financial wellbeing in the future but also my health and sanity.
There is no doubt that I can cut myself off from the world, work, go to school, detach myself from social opportunities, and still maintain an acceptable level of physical fitness. By the end of it, three years down the road, I can only see myself displeased with my accomplishments, because I am assuming that after three years of continuous work and no play, I will lack the kind of personality and joy for life I once had.
This is a serious dilemma, I suffer internal tears and pain, but I am unable to express myself and although art is a release, writing is taking its place at this time as I try and sort things out. I have desired since a child the ability to have a deep and everlasting effect in this world. And as the perceptual being that I believe I am, I sometimes fail to see the effects I currently have in this world that may make all the difference. Unfortunately, I contemplate most decisions, worry about my parenting abilities, and wonder what the generally accepted parenting behaviors are in a world full of diversity and differences of opinion.
Perhaps it is easy to see that I am lost in this world, as an individual that appreciates generally accepted definitions, at least the ones that make the most sense in the American culture, I hope for some kind of grounds where an agreement can be arranged. But more and more, as I continue my education, the rabbit hole keeps getting deeper and deeper. And, with many words, we describe the same thing, the same situation, object, feeling, thought, or idea in a different way simply because we have made our understanding and complexity of that object much more than maybe it once was.
This world, the present situation, your thoughts, your feelings, may be only as complex or as simple as you choose to perceive them. Because, in the end, I am an individual of perspective, I control the way I choose to see things, and my action or reaction is within my control. This is a revolution of the mind.
