"Coming and Going"

Have you ever had an experience where you were sleeping, you were half awake and you knew you were dreaming, and you felt like you had the ability to control your dreams?  That is where I am at right now, only I am awake, and every thought, every word, every action was mine and mine to control.

Coming from a different culture, having different expectations, I am expecting so much from myself.  The thought occurred me the other day... I choose the approach, I choose to learn, I choose to smile, and my experience here is solely up to me, no one else.

The end of week three is heartbreaking, I want to stay longer and I knew I would.  Feeling lost, feeling out of place, and ultimately not belonging to this culture is exactly what I desired.  Time changes people, and I desire the sort process I've been slowly accepting into my daily and weekly routine.  The process in which I speak of has everything to do with decoding and encoding the language.  Learning a new language is like decoding secret messages for an agency that is all your own.  You decide the importance of the message, you decide whether or not to care, and you decide how much effort to put forth in the decoding and encoding process.

Yes, we all procrastinate to some extent, as an American enrolled in a foreign program I feel a need to represent my country and empress the those around me, and yet the desire is always coming and going.  There is so much to want to learn, so much to see, so much history to understand, and so much more than just the language to get distracted by and wrapped up in.

And so I have stepped away from my struggling, from my questioning, and have decided to enjoy what I have and what I am experiencing while I am experiencing it.  This is a conscious decision, we all have the power to experience, reflect, and process that which we choose to enjoy.

Luckily, I have had the company of others to help me digest this experience, step back, and realize it's true potential.

The worst situation possible...and you can't run away from who you are.

I spent loads of money and went out of my way to try and lose myself in México. The idea of losing one's identity, one's persona, and establishing or realizing yourself under different circumstances, in a different culture, away from all that one may be familiar with is, I believe, appealing.

I journeyed to México with many ambitions, some of which... actually most of which I never fully planned or prepared for. This includes learning or better understanding the language, preparing for documentary work, video production, and viral marketing. I had big dreams coming down here, but little did I know how difficult it would be to pickup the language. I blame the multitasking, I blame all those things which I have put forth so much time and effort toward which perhaps provided me very little in the end. Life is sincerely busy back home in the United States, and I thought I escaped that, too. But I was wrong.

I am still a Father, I still pay child support, I still have bills to pay, I still need to find work while I'm here so I have money upon my return. I still have projects to consider and complete, research to be done, awards to be considered and won, people to talk to, fun to have, explorations and health to consider and maintain.

I am still human. I believe I have taken the ability to communicate for granted, and having been in customer service related work for over 14 years, I am surprised and nearly in shock as I find myself in the worst situation possible. I am the foreigner and no one understands me.

There have been plenty of situations here where I lost track of the conversation, lost sight of the context, and neglected to understand the meaning of the words and their combinations. The relationship two or more people hold as they share sounds from their mouths, movements from their bodies, and share eye contact is precious. Personally, I enjoy detailed conversations, knowing exactly what people mean when they refer to something specific using words I don't normally hear in combination with other words. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I can do this in español. The reason for my being here is to be able to do exactly that, to understand the meaning of words and their combination.

Is it really the worst situation possible? Most likely not. But, if you could imagine for a moment a situation where you don't understand other people and they don't understand you, you may as well be deaf. Because in this specific example, a person depends much more on non-verbal behavior. Of course non-verbal behavior accounts for 80% of our communication. And, an experienced sales person may tell you, "a job in sales requires 98% attitude, 2% detail." I had a sales job or two, and no one told me how dang important the 2% detail really was. Furthermore, I can tell you that whatever remains beyond body language is absolutely necessary.

I haven't been able to lose myself in this culture. Perhaps if I stopped talking and writing in english I would be successful. The thought has crossed my mind, and I am certainly considering it. I haven't been able to run away from who I am because I brought myself with me. I am an analytical SOB and it pains me to have to remind myself over and over again. My thought process lags, but I am specific and detailed oriented when I want it to be. I spend more time on homework than some people, and I have witnessed the laziness of others only to realize they've somehow found success in the process.

Just like any organized bin, drawer, closet, or kitchen, everything has its place. And I believe that as individuals we slowly sift through the hours of the day, weeks, months, and years to eventually find our place.

Querétaro - Two Weeks Later

During my time here in México I have video journaled a time or two and have yet to post anything. What I aim to accomplish is this; to deeply reflect upon the journey, whatever that may entail. Unfortunately, there are details I have yet to share, and video blogging I have yet complete.

As part of a paid opportunity and my own personal interests to produce a documentary while abroad, I have had the distinct pleasure of interviewing 8 out of ten students who have taken the risk, put forth the effort, and made possible the journey to México. Having had the opportunity to interview them, and having made it a priority to get to know each and every one of them, I am pleased to know them. I have surpassed the boundaries most people, consciously or not, create between themselves and those around them.

With that said, it may appear that I am just doing my job. But, I have to admit that I am the type of person that craves a deeper relationship with those around me. This desire, of course, is carefully orchestrated back home the United States. And there are often many variables that come into play. We never just go out and let our guard down, make friends, and carry on like nothing even happened. We often choose our friends wisely, most of us are skeptics, and if you think you're not a skeptic now, just wait.

I am reflecting on this relational aspect of our being for a couple of reasons. One reason is that the group of us have journeyed down to México with dreams of acquiring new knowledge, experiences, new found relationships, as well as a multitude of other interests. I personally have struggled to communicate effectively with my señora and her niece. That struggle alone and the burning desire to connect with the locals and get a better sense of what makes them tick is literally tearing me apart. But, it is obvious that many people here welcome their neighbors. The hospitality here is unlike any I have witness back home in the US. A sharp contrast to this, even though the crime rate in Querétaro is apparently low, are the bars over windows and doors, gates in front of every house locking away possessions, and broken glass atop the highest walls. All of which adequately displays the security everyone here believes to be absolutely necessary. This may stem from a long history of social and economic instability.

Even now as three candidate run for president of México, I have seen anti-corruption commercials on television, and images to riots and the sense of chaos that would ensue otherwise. Having read very little about México's history, political and economic struggles have ensued elsewhere through Southern America, and so it would not be a surprise if México had experienced many social and governmental upheavals throughout the years.

Here I am, in a new country, here to learn their language, to understand the culture, and to make a real connection with the people. That is all I desire. I have been told that it is important to have a good attitude, to laugh at your mistakes, and move forward. I can have a good attitude, I can laugh at myself, and I can try, try again. But I fear that I will have learned the language much too late and will be long gone from this place prior to truly enjoying my newly found abilities.

It's not that I miss home, but I just don't feel like I belong here. If and when I feel content, it may be necessary for me to leave, and I find no pleasure given that outcome.

- - -

A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER

Saturday April 7th, the entire group (ten people) went down to the central part of town to celebrate a birthday party for one of the girls. At first we went to an 80's bar that consisted mostly of 50's decor and the music rarely sparked attention to the 80's. We had a few drinks, took a few pictures, and winded up in the newspaper a few days later. They knew we were turistas, but I don't think they knew we'd be here for the next nine weeks.

Onto College Bar, this was the highlight of the night for me. You see, prior to coming down to México one of my professors shared her own experiences traveling and studying abroad. She indicated a desire to submerge herself in the culture, and with that she found herself a boyfriend. I knew I would learn more if I had a deeper relationship with one of the locals. Luckily for me, all the dancing and fun at College Bar paid off. One of the Méxicanos approaches me and asked if I would dance with his friend. It was the girl's birthday and us gringos were the only one's in the bar dancing our asses off.

After dancing with the Méxicana I wished her a happy birthday and moved on, danced with las chicas con mi grupo, and heard from various females within my group that this girl had an eye on me. There was an obvious interest and so I had to dance with her again. She couldn't speak English and I could only speak un poco Spanish. On occasion she would consult her friend for translation. Dancing and conversing, it got to the point where she wanted to know if I was single, married, etc. I tell her I'm single, she tells me she's married, and we continue dancing. What happens next? We're done dancing, she tells me she's not actually married and that it was a lie, I act surprised, my friends apparently start for the door after paying our bill, I exchange numbers with this girl, and we make out in front of all the locals. Awesome, had a great time!

A week later, after multiple text messages, attempts to get to know each other etc. I begin to get the feeling that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Text messages start to dwindle, she no longer replies to my inquiries, and what was once this wonderful experience becomes a fading memory.

I have read somewhere that many of the women here will see you as temporary, and with that, as I've witnessed is exactly the truth. I am here for only a few weeks, why would anyone want to develop a meaningful relationship with someone who is only around for a short while? I say, why let the boundaries our minds stop us from enjoying each other? I have learned, the hard way, that it is important to enjoy what you have while you have it. If only I could find a way to say that to her in Spanish.

In Querétaro

I'm finally here in Querétaro Mexico where I will be staying for ten weeks with a host family while enrolled in two Spanish classes focused on grammar and communication. My trip began at 11:40PM at the PDX airport, after saying my goodbyes to family and friends, I jumped on a non-stop flight to Houston Texas, and not a wink of sleep. On the back of each seat LCD screens played commercials and offered entertainment to the few that still had their eyes open. Fortunately, there is a way to dim the screens and make attempt to rest our eyes. Arriving in Houston at around 5:30AM, we waited three hours for our transfer to Mexico City. Some of us walked around, found breakfast, and coffee. While some caught up on reading, and others tried once again to sleep.

I personally suffered from some serious nasal allergies immediately upon arriving at the Houston airport. A couple benadryl later and I was drowsy and comfortable enough to sleep. The flight into Mexico City is a blur. After a brief visit to the restroom during mid flight, I could tell on the way back to my seat that almost every student that accompanied me on this journey had also been sleep deprived and were enjoying some down time.

We arrived in the Mexico City airport at around 11:30AM, after customs at the Mexico City airport, a man helped us with out luggage and guided us to the bus check point where we purchased our tickets for Querétaro. The bus ride was three hours, I didn't sleep, I couldn't. All I was focused on was the documentary and being sure to have ready the HD cameras and questions for those students participating. It was clear by the time we reached Querétaro that many of us were just worn out from our travels. I guess I looked tired, but I was ready to explore and keep moving. I purchased a phone card and attempted to make contact with the various coordinators, one of which was Jennifer Jewett. She was able to accompany us during our first week abroad.

Although I wasn't having any luck contacting Jennifer or our local contact, Gabriela, we eventually ran into Jennifer as she expected us to arrive around 4PM. From the bus station in Querétaro we rode in taxis to our host family homes just minutes from the station. None of the students had purchased a prepaid phone card at this point in our journey. And, we all acted as though we were going to meet up after we met our host families. Now that I have eaten dinner, unpacked a bit, and had a chance to rest... I am feeling very tired.

Be sure and check out my Vimeo channel (http://vimeo.com/user8891033/videos) I will be posting videos soon!