Have you ever had an experience where you were sleeping, you were half awake and you knew you were dreaming, and you felt like you had the ability to control your dreams? That is where I am at right now, only I am awake, and every thought, every word, every action was mine and mine to control.
Coming from a different culture, having different expectations, I am expecting so much from myself. The thought occurred me the other day... I choose the approach, I choose to learn, I choose to smile, and my experience here is solely up to me, no one else.
The end of week three is heartbreaking, I want to stay longer and I knew I would. Feeling lost, feeling out of place, and ultimately not belonging to this culture is exactly what I desired. Time changes people, and I desire the sort process I've been slowly accepting into my daily and weekly routine. The process in which I speak of has everything to do with decoding and encoding the language. Learning a new language is like decoding secret messages for an agency that is all your own. You decide the importance of the message, you decide whether or not to care, and you decide how much effort to put forth in the decoding and encoding process.
Yes, we all procrastinate to some extent, as an American enrolled in a foreign program I feel a need to represent my country and empress the those around me, and yet the desire is always coming and going. There is so much to want to learn, so much to see, so much history to understand, and so much more than just the language to get distracted by and wrapped up in.
And so I have stepped away from my struggling, from my questioning, and have decided to enjoy what I have and what I am experiencing while I am experiencing it. This is a conscious decision, we all have the power to experience, reflect, and process that which we choose to enjoy.
Luckily, I have had the company of others to help me digest this experience, step back, and realize it's true potential.
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